Dinner parties around here this spring and summer aren’t what they used to be.
In many parental circles, dinner parties that used to be a time to enjoy good food, good friends, and good bonding over the joys of parenting have turned into college preparatory competitions. Instead of regaling each other with tales of the harrows of driving lessons or the preparation for first dates, parents are comparing the SAT tutors they’ve secured, the number of community service hours their kids have completed, and the extravagance of expensive summer programs they’ve planned for their kids. These assuredly well-meaning parents hijack the college process from their kids and surely know how to ruin a good dinner party.
A lot of the pressure parents feel surrounding college admissions today is based on fear—fear of your child’s failure to gain admission to one particular college, fear of failure on the part of a college to secure upward mobility for your kids, fear that the name-brand of the college your child attends acts as a measure of your success as a parent.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can calm and even eliminate these fears by focusing on what’s really important.
Imagine moving your son into his first dorm room. Imagine taking your daughter’s call when she phones to tell you how wonderful college is. Imagine meeting your kids at the airport to welcome them home for Thanksgiving break, seeing their glow when they talk about how much they’re learning, and watching them walk across the stage at graduation.
Now, when you were imagining these things, did the name of the school matter? Did the names of the schools your friends’ kids were attending matter at all? Probably not—and those things won’t matter once your son or daughter is in college.
Most parents would gladly substitute a name-brand college for a guarantee of happiness and fulfillment for your kids. No college can promise these things, but the brand name schools certainly don’t have the market cornered on wonderful college experiences.
There are over 2,000 colleges in the country—your son or daughter will go to one of them. Grades, test scores and an admission to a particular college are not measures of your child’s worth or of your success as a parent. Resist efforts to turn the process into a status competition. Let them find their own way. Be a supportive partner and enjoy the ride to college together.
And the next time a dinner party turns competitive, chime in that you will happily wear the sweatshirt of the college your child attends, whatever the name on the sweatshirt happens to be. You’ll enjoy the process more by focusing on what’s important, and you’ll be the talk of the next dinner party.
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Croton-on-Hudson resident Alex Weiner has taught, written for and counseled students on college admission & test preparation both domestically & internationally. He owns and runs Collegewise, and had been interviewed to discuss the college admissions process and standardized test preparation by The New York Times. While other kids spend their middle and high school years playing basketball or practicing the clarinet, Alex sat in his room memorizing the World Book Encyclopedia and the Oxford American Dictionary. In spite of this he got into college. You can contact him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (914) 285-8495.
