Efforts to help, in spite of good intentions, can sometimes lead parents to impede unwittingly their kids’ admission to college. Here are five healthy ways parents can help without hurting, courtesy of our Collegewise families who enjoyed the process together.
1. Don't get involved with the college essays.
Nothing good ever happens when a parent gets involved with their student’s college essays. You’re really going to have to trust us on this point. Parents think and write differently than kids do. When a parent helps too much with a college essay, it is almost always glaringly apparent to an admissions officer. Colleges want to hear the student’s thoughts and perspectives, not the parent’s. So let your student take the lead and write what she wants to write. And while you stay hands-off, encourage your kids to seek feedback from an English teacher or counselor who knows them well.
2. Set a college attitude example for your kids.
If you treat a rejection from Yale as a tragedy, your student will almost certainly feel that way, too. Kids need parents to demonstrate both a contagious enthusiasm for the college process and mature perspective to see the bigger picture. Treat the opportunity for your kids to attend college at all as something worth celebrating (it is). Embrace the idea that there are many great colleges from which to choose. Don’t allow yourself to turn the process into a status competition with other families. You’ll be setting a great example that your kids are likely to follow.
3. Let kids choose and pursue their own activities.
Sure, you might leverage your influence to secure a great internship or volunteer opportunity for your student, but what happens when a college interviewer asks, “So, you had a summer internship with NASA? Can you tell me how you got that opportunity?” Colleges don’t just evaluate the activity itself; they also evaluate the initiative a student had to show to locate and secure those opportunities. It’s perfectly OK to help guide your student, but let her decide what she’d like to do and how she’s going to get there.
4. Be involved in the process, but don’t try to control it.
Kids benefit from supportive parents who give them advice, feedback and encouragement. But a parent who selects the colleges, contacts admissions offices and fills out applications for her kids is doing too much. Allow your student to take responsibility for his or her own part of the college application process. In fact, require it. Don’t offer or agree to do for kids what they are capable of (and should be) doing for themselves. The more you allow your student to do for herself, the more successful she will be during the college application process.
5. Don't lose perspective.
Don’t forget that your son or daughter’s future success and happiness are not dependent on the admission to one particular college. We’re not psychologists, but we’ve watched over 2500 families go through the college admissions process, and we’ve noticed that the parents who seem to enjoy the best relationship with their kids during this stressful time are those who make it clear that they will proudly wear the sweatshirt of any college their kid chooses to attend. Kids today are feeling an enormous amount of pressure about college admissions. They need you to be the voice of reason, who knows that good kids who work hard and have supportive parents will always turn out just fine.
Croton-on-Hudson resident Alex Weiner has taught, written for and counseled students on college admission & test preparation both domestically & internationally. He owns and runs Collegewise, and had been interviewed to discuss the college admissions process and standardized test preparation by The New York Times. While other kids spend their middle and high school years playing basketball or practicing the clarinet, Alex sat in his room memorizing the World Book Encyclopedia and the Oxford American Dictionary. In spite of this he got into college. You can contact him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (914) 285-8495.
