Things are going well, and it seems to be an uneventful weekday morning. Then, amidst the typical hustle bustle which accompanies dressing, feeding, and organizing the a.m. rush, you hear one of the following (potentially tearful) exclamations: He hit me! She pushed me! He said I was stupid! She grabbed my video game! In most homes, on most days, this will likely set into action a relatively predictable sequence of events depending on which form of discipline you have adopted as well as the level of mental and physical energy you possess at that moment.
Many families choose to implement some form of a “Time Out” procedure to deal with behavioral struggles. Such methods are based on the principle that a child is less likely to repeat a behavior when it is immediately followed by removal of things they inherently desire (i.e., praise, attention, pleasurable activities). While this sounds simple in theory, delivering a successful time out can be quite complicated. First, the child must be told that they are receiving a time out and informed as to why (i.e., “You are having a time out because you pushed your brother.”) Next, the child is directed to a designated time out spot and required to remain there for a period of time, typically 1 minute per year of age up to a maximum of 5 minutes. Time begins when the child is in the time out spot and is re-started if the child is uncooperative.
So far, that sounds easy enough assuming that your child remains in the designated area and does not escalate. However, there are some subtle points that parents often struggle with which may serve to sabotage time out efforts. Specifically, it is important for caregivers to avoid using a child’s name during the time out process, and both eye contact and physical touch should be minimized as much as possible. All three of these things are natural reinforces even when presented in a negative context. That is, yelling your child’s name, delivering a long, harsh sideward glance, and firmly guiding their shoulder or arm as they walk to time out all serve to give the child attention when the premise of the entire process is to remove it. In general, the only commentary that should exist throughout the time out is the initial statement which begins the process.
Other things to devote attention to include consideration of the designated time out place to ensure that it’s use will not disrupt other routines. Specifically, using a living room chair which may be in sight line of the television may not be an ideal choice in the event that a family member is watching a show when a time out begins. Similarly, care should be given to avoid shaming a child by speaking about them in a negative fashion while they are in time out. For example, if other children in the household ask questions about the time out, it is best to simply state the facts (i.e., “Your sister is in time out right now”), rather than commenting further which may serve to foster feelings of humiliation or helplessness as the child in time out is not able to participate in the conversation. Finally, and likely most important, parents will be most successful when they keep their cool while disciplining.
As you can see, carrying out an effective time out calls for a good deal of self control and forethought, and it is all too easy to begin down the path of yelling, questioning, and ultimately joining your child in their frustration and acting out. On the other hand, if you are able to manage your emotions and follow through with the steps outlined above, you will have a chance to praise your child for tolerating the time out. Before all is said and done, be sure to take the time to talk through the situation and use the set-back as an opportunity to make better choices in the future.
While time out is one option with regard to discipline, it is not the only way to help children learn to manage their behavior. Please stay tuned for next month’s article which will discuss the use of “Time In” to promote calmness, centeredness, and mutual well-being for parents and children. Then compare notes to see which strategy fits best for your family.
Dr. O'Leary is a clinical psychologist who specializes in conducting neurodevelopmental and neuropsychological assessments with children (age 2-adolescence). She also provides cognitive-behavioral therapy for children with various attentional, behavioral, emotional, and developmental struggles.
For more information please call (845)313-9049 or visit: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/59005
