She appears to be getting more uncooperative at home each and every day. Others tell you how sweet and darling your teen is, but all you get is grief at home. Does this sound familiar?

If you feel as though you have just about reached your limit with trying to figure out all of the ups and downs and what really makes your teen tick, then let me assure you that you are not alone.The more mothers of teens, guidance experts (ours from our Middle School), and teachers, I speak with confirm that many of the disturbing behaviors and emotions exhibited by our teens are simply a part of the “process” of growing up and maturing that is really quite normal.

This explanation, of course, does not justify disrespectful and hurtful emotional outbursts. I am a big proponent and try to always enforce a respectful household.(This is another topic to explore.)

Before going into identifying some solutions to help young people with fluctuating emotions let’s first look at what types of emotions adolescents exhibit.

Emotions exhibited by teens

You name it; they experience it--from frustration, anger and sadness, to feeling content, fear and anxiety. And, there are numerous factors that affect teen emotions--peer influence, body image, food, family, school, food, and sleep deprivation. We have all received lists of foods that are best for your children—from blueberries, almonds and nuts to fish—rich in Omega 3s. And, you know that sleep is essential. Teens crave sleep. In today’s world technological stimuli, cell phones, Face Books, along with sometimes over-scheduling of activities, all leave less time for rest and sleep than ever before. As a general rule of thumb—your teen should get 8 ½ -9 hours of sleep per night. When these hours are compromised, your teen will have more stress in his/her every day.

You can probably name a lot of emotions and influencing environmental factors on your own.

What used to appear to be a simple decision is now a dramatized outburst.Here’s an example: I might make a harmless suggestion in the morning when I see my daughter getting ready, “Amanda, you might want to wear socks. It’s going to be cold out today.” And, I might get the response, “Leave me alone. It’s not cold. I’ll do what I want.”

Granted perhaps I could have left her alone in her decision to wear protective foot gear, but all I think was doing was making a suggestion. I want to protect her and make sure she is warm as the weather begins to change on a cool Fall day. Amanda perceives this as a clear directive and is asserting herself, her independence, and her decision-making process. She clearly answers in a highly-emotional way. I perceive her as not thinking through this interaction.

Well, truth be told, Amanda is using her Amygdala—the emotion center of the brain. This is the area which makes her use her gut reaction more than thinking through the ramifications of not wearing socks on a cold day. So, here you have it. There is an actual physiological reason for this reaction. This confirms for me that I am not making an unusual or unreasonable request.My daughter’s brain is simply catapulting a response that gives that façade.

Which part of the brain is accountable for certain behaviors and emotions?

Just in case you were wondering which part of the brain controls what, here’s a handy list:

· Frontal lobe—self control, judgment, emotional regulation, restructured in teen years

· Corpus Callosum—intelligence, consciousness and self-awareness, reaches full maturity in the 20s.

· Parietal lobe—integrates auditory, visual and tactile signals; immature until age 16.

· Temporal lobes—emotional maturity; still developing after age 16.

As teens mature the “thinking” part of their brain gets used more and the Amygdala a bit less.

Strategies and Solutions

1-Educate yourself. The more you know about the root causes for different behaviors and emotions the better you will be able to begin to understand and accept. Again, this doesn’t translate into tolerating disrespectfulness.This should always be encouraged and addressed.

2-Show empathy. In business I always learned the feel, felt, found theory. Say, “I understand how you feel.” This makes the recipient immediately feel better. Try, “Other moms feel that same way.” This shows you are not alone. “You can do what you want, but don’t complain when your toes get cold later on when you walk home.” And, finally, this comment notes that there is a ramification or result. Hopefully, it brings you both closer to a reasoning.

3-Communicate early. This goes hand-in-hand with educating yourself. The earlier you communicate with your teen the more he/she will get the message, know the objective, and feel the intent. Remember, he may hear the message, but he might not heed the message. That’s ok. You can repeat it later, and you usually will. And, if you sense that there is a serious emotional issue with your teen, talk to your physician.

4-Be consistent in your expectations. Don’t expect big miracles, but embrace the little ones. You might be able to move your teen along a continuum—step by step. Key here is to be consistent. Your teen is still developing emotionally and physically, so you need to guide him/her to making good judgments.

5-Warning signs—Always be on the look-out for depression, signs of withdrawal, changes in eating habits, etc. If you sense something is not quite what it should be, again, always seek the advice of an expert—healthcare professionals, guidance counselors, and teachers.

Last but not least, take a deep breath. There is no manual on how to manage your teens’ emotions so do the best you can in doing your own research, and seeking out answers. You are not alone in this stage. Before you know it, they’ll be in college and you may have to go through it all over again, with your younger son or daughter.The second time is a charm, so at this point, you will surely be a pro at understanding all of the emotional ups and downs!

Sources:

-A special thanks to Mrs. Jessica Butts of PVC Middle School for leading such an informative parent-discussion group.

-ACT for Youth Upstate Center of Excellence—Research Facts and Findings---A Collaboration of Cornell University, University of Rochester, and NYS Center for School Safety—Adolescent Brain Development.

-Marks, Andrea & Roghtbart, Betty. Healthy Teens, Body and Soul.