Last month’s column touched on the concept of “Time Out” as a method to address the undesirable behaviors that children sometimes engage in. In addition, it covered the various components required to deliver a successful “Time Out,” as well as the subtle issues which can sabotage even the best laid parental efforts. If, after reading, you were left wondering if there is an alternative option which is a bit less labor intensive, read on!
While time out is one option with regard to discipline, it is not the only way to help children learn to manage their behavior. A different approach is represented by the idea of taking a “Time In,” or a purposeful break aimed at promoting calmness, centeredness, and mutual well-being for parents and children. This technique involves leading your child to a specified “Time In” place and remaining there with them while you both attempt to calm down. The aim is to promote a feeling that you are both going to work in a cooperative fashion to reach a common goal, and the interaction is viewed as an opportunity to communicate and resolve difficulties. Another focus is temporarily doing away with thoughts of right versus wrong, good versus bad, naughty versus nice, and instead acknowledging that, at times, the undesired behavior you are addressing feels unpleasant enough on its own without any parental influence.
As opposed to “Time Out” which aims to remove a child from any possible reinforcer (no matter how small or subtle), “Time In” is based on the idea that a child sometimes needs ongoing help from a calm, gentle parent in order to overcome the struggle they face. The caregiver’s desire to assist the child provides a sense of unconditional love and support, and also sets the stage for the caregiver to model peaceful and diplomatic conflict resolution.
Now, after reading about this option you may have some serious questions. I know that I did after I first encountered this concept. I was certain that pouring unconditional love, attention, and compassion onto my child just after they had made a not so great decision would only serve to reinforce that behavior. I was a bit convinced that by implementing this approach I would somehow create a child who expected to be hugged and kissed after throwing a toy at a sibling or sternly refusing a parental suggestion.
But, there was a moment that occurred in my very own living room which really changed my perspective. After watching my child escalate over the course of an hour based on several seemingly small disappointments, I witnessed a behavior that was not acceptable. And then I had an epiphany of sorts because my initial inclination was to run and wrap my arms around her rather than remind her what she had done wrong and go off to set the kitchen timer. I knew what that would instigate and honestly, I did not have it in me to consistently parent her though the tantrum that would likely follow. So I tried my first “Time In.”
At first, I was met with resistance but then quietly whispered that I wanted to go into the other room and have some quite time together. I then sat for 10 minutes with a sobbing, dysregulated, and very fragile little one as she slowly began to calm down. I felt effective, everyone was safe, and she was able to talk with me about what led up to the incident. I was able to help her figure out that she was tired and frustrated, and we were able to discuss other options that would have been more productive. The beauty of this for me came at the end when she independently apologized to the rest of the household and then moved on from the entire situation rather effortlessly.
Now, with that being said, both “Time In” and “Time Out” are still used in my household, although the first does get more airtime. It works for us in most situations, and I have not seen any damage done. I feel like a calmer and grounded parent when I use it and it helps us all hit our re-set buttons more smoothly. “Time Out” does still apply on occasion, and the beauty of the issue is that you can be somewhat selective based on your situation, your time constrains, and your internal resources at any given moment.
Hopefully after reading you will feel better able to deliver either method, and will be able to find the right formula for your family.
