I sometimes think of this as I work with parents who are struggling with the “dangers” that lurk within every classroom, recess period, birthday party, and neighborhood. The teacher whose style is a bit too harsh or whose voice may be a bit too loud, the peer who is unkind or aggressive, the potential for social disapproval, academic difficulties, and the list goes on and on. Parental attempts to control, avoid, or otherwise manipulate these situations is almost always motivated by genuine love and only the best of intentions; however, there may be an important line that caregivers cross by carrying out these efforts. Namely, the line between protecting our children and teaching them how to cope with the inevitable struggles and disappointments that exist in this world.
I truly believe that this point deserves a great deal of attention and consideration in parenting. When faced with the urge to step in and fix or remedy a situation for your child take a moment to consider what your ultimate goal is. Most times it is putting an end to your child’s distress (perceived or real) as quickly as possible. This drive is powerful, but at times not the best route to take.
When it comes to social situations, failure to receive a party invite or being met with disapproval by peers are sad and challenging events without question. Here, it is important to take a breath and do your best to tolerate your child’s distress (undoubtedly an exceptionally challenging task) in order to validate their experience and then move on to helping them sort things out in an accurate fashion. Your child’s age will dictate their willingness to accept your help and guidance (with younger children being generally more open), but your reactions and interpretations always serve as a blueprint. So lean in favor of problem-solving over rescuing so your child builds skills they can rely on in the future when you may not be available.
Obviously, physical safety trumps everything without hesitation. However, even after you intervene to break up a scuffle make sure to take the next step of providing a calm and solid explanation. This improves the chances that the next time your children encounter the same situation they will be able to make a better choice and it demonstrates healthy problem solving.
In general, seeing your child through a difficult is always challenging. It is human nature to protect our children, and the act of balancing protection with support and the need to help foster independence and resilience is truly an art. There are clear cases that warrant attention and advocacy, but many others that can be viewed as opportunities to teach your child how to walk down the stairs safely rather than making them reliant on baby-gates that will not always be there.
Dr. O'Leary is a clinical psychologist who specializes in conducting neurodevelopmental and neuropsychological assessments with children (age 2-adolescence). She also provides cognitive-behavioral therapy for children with various attentional, behavioral, emotional, and developmental struggles. She can be reached at (845)-313-9049.
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|