In general, the New Year provides us with an opportunity for self-reflection and thoughtfulness. With 2012 now upon us it is probably safe to assume that many resolutions have been made for the months that lie ahead. These may include goals to be met, projects to be accomplished, or habits and patterns of behavior to be shifted. In most cases, the focus of these intentions is feeling better or doing better. However, research has shown that when individuals map out the things they truly value they are actually able to “live better” even if they are not always feeling good or doing well. Here are some suggestions for helping you and your family identify your core values this season and beyond.
To initiate this process, take some time to consider the various aspects of your life. Reflect on what you want your life to be about separate from the things you think should make you happy (“You should be a banker” “If you’re thinner you will be happy”). In other words, what you want to stand for and what ultimately matters to you in the big picture. Considering some of the following questions may help. As you mull over these questions truly make an effort to connect with responses that resonate with you, not just the answers that you think you should have.
•If you are in a relationship, what does it mean to you? What kind of partner do you want to be?
•If you are a parent, what kind of parent do you want to be? Are your actions consistent with those values?
•How important is extended family to you? What kind of sibling, child, relative do you want to be?
•If you are spiritual, how consistent are your actions with your beliefs?
•How important is your career to you? What kind of employee do you want to be?
•How important is leisure and relaxation to you?
•Are your friendships in line with what you truly value? Are you actions consistent with how you would define a true friend?
•Is your health important to you? Are your actions consistent with your values in this area?
Once you have familiarized yourself with your own broad values you can bring this process into your family. Find time to have a conversation with your children about these same topics. For them, it will likely focus more on what they value within their family, peer groups, and academic setting; however, it is never too early to help them reflect on their health, leisure time and other areas of life. Throughout this process it is important to really listen to your children and resist the temptation to add those “should” statements here and there. Our true power as parents is leading by example. So, live your life according to your values and your children will wind up exactly where they “should” be.
Dr. Stephanie O'Leary and Dr. Toni Tarnell are co-directors of Premier Psychology Services located in Mt. Kisco. They provide evidence-based strategies in a normalizing and nurturing environment to help children and families overcome the struggles they face. They also offer neuropsychological and psychoeducational assessment services. Please call 914-244-9400 for more information.
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