The past two months I have spoken about starting the process of adopting... We found our agency & our lawyers. Next we had to start the approval process. In NY State you start with the Home Study. What is that?? What do I need to do? What does all of this mean? OMG. The questions and fear that are put into your heads over the home study!!!
Definition: a Home Study is an analysis done by a Psychologists or Social Worker. It is a visit, in your home, to see if your place of residence is suitable to bring in a newborn or child. After the initial visit, you have several in office visits to explore what exactly adoption is, what it means to you, your feelings, fears, and expectations. A scary explanation… but, a most wonderful process.
First of all, my house has never been so clean. I scrubbed, dusted, and organized things I did not even know I had. My house could have been photographed by House and Garden. When Phyllis, our Social Worker, came over, she did not look in the cupboards or closets that were so perfectly organized. She did not admire the scrubbed floors or sparkling bathroom. I spread out hors d’oeuvres that would have made Martha Stewart cry, did she notice? NO, she just chatted. She asked how we are and where we were in the paper work process (i.e. finger prints, courts dates, lawyers) and did we need help. She asked about our childhood, families and college years, how we met, our courtship and marriage. She just sat and relaxed and hung out like an old chum.
During our subsequent visits in her office, we discussed many personal things. I will not go into detail, but some great things were uncovered. For instance, it was nice to hear my husband say that he thought I would make a wonderful mother. (That brought me to tears.) Or that he wanted a girl, which he got. Or that I was secretly relieved that I could not get pregnant. Oh, I wanted to have a baby more than anything (4 actually. You should have seen my husband’s face when I said that!) But the thought being pregnant and giving birth scared me!
Phyllis also brought up the fact that genetics would not be a factor in our lives. This usually is very important to men, their biological lineage ending and the inability to pass on their genes to their child. Some bigger issues for many women are the losses over control of the pregnancy . Had I become pregnant, I would have done everything in my power to insure a healthy pregnancy. I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not control what the birth mother ate or drank... I could not control her pre-natal care, her vitamin intake or her doctor appointments. With Phyllis’ help, we learned how to give up control, face our “losses” and to be open to whatever came our way. It was nice to talk thru these issues, ask questions and get help from a caring, knowledgeable professional in a safe, judgment free environment.
We had many visits with Phyllis over the coming weeks and she was one of our son’s first visitors once he arrived. One of our most treasured baby gifts was from Phyllis to our son... The book ‘the little engine that could’! The Home Study is one more step in the adoption process, but it all made us more prepared to accept what was to come... Our family!
By Kim Bjorge, Photographer, Potter, Wildlife Rehabilitator and Croton Mom
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