As I accept this exciting opportunity to write and be connected to other mothers in the community I think to myself, will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Then I work through that, take a breath, and allow myself to enjoy the excitement that new opportunities bring.
As a therapist and a mother I can empathize with both working and non-working mothers. Depending upon which dinner party you are at (that is if you can get a babysitter and find something to wear, and get to the dinner party on time) either side of the coin can seem like a dirty word.
The guilt that many working mothers experience can be detrimental to their emotional health. Often, working mothers will forgo any ‘me’ time to spend time with their children when they are not at work. I encourage you to take at least one hour a week for yourself. An hour a week in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I actually encourage more, but let’s start with one hour. Take a yoga class, get a massage, go to therapy, meet a friend for coffee. There, you have license to take care of yourself for one hour per week!
If your life circumstances are so that you have to work a full time job, but you would rather not be, then make the at home time count. Sometimes dirty dishes in the sink for one day is not as important as the exciting new lego robot waiting to be built. I think we can all get into our routines and forget to look up from our iPhones. I often get the response that there is not enough time. So, work with what you have. The hour that you do take for yourself will pay off now when you need more patience and creativity. By taking care of yourself you may even be able to do one or more of the following:
~ Have an impromptu dance party while making dinner and setting the table
~Instead of TV after dinner sit down and draw, or get on the floor and play
~Listen to what your teenager is listening to and show them your records, even if you risk them laughing at you.
There is often a balancing act that has to take place to make it all run smoothly on the exterior. Then, there is the internal struggle of being at work and thinking about home and then being at home and thinking about work. Or dare I say it, enjoying working. Oh, what a terrible mother am I if I do not wish to spend every waking moment with my son. He is a wonderful little person and I love him dearly … but am I writing this sentence to counteract the last, so that you know I am a good mother? In a word, ‘Yes’. We are always trying to prove that we are ‘good’ mothers and ‘good’ employees. The truth is, sometimes even the best of us let a plate fall. But, we have a dustbuster and a broom, and hopefully someone to hold the dustpan while we pick up the pieces of that e-mail that didn’t get sent or that extra pair of gloves that we forgot to pack for daycare one day.
And when you mess up (because you will, we all do) forgive yourself and try to move forward. I have found that forgiving myself is one of the best things that I can do for my child as well as myself. If not, you will be stewing about whatever you ‘messed up’ and miss the funny, cute, dancing wonderful child in front of you. Also, this will teach your child to forgive themselves when they make a mistake, and they will.
It is not what we give our children to read or all of the information we hope that they retain that necessarily makes them who they are, it’s who we are that informs who they become. No pressure. Teach by example, teach forgiveness and self care and you will not be disappointed.
by Tina Triburgo, LCSW, Director of The Ajna Wellness Center.
