How to Model Effective Problem Solving
Parents often feel as if their children have a hard time looking at them, listening to them, and paying attention to the multitude directives that are part of everyday life. Despite this sentiment, children are quite aware of the way their parents and caregivers react to various situations and tend to incorporate what they see into their own interactions. This is evident from early on when toddlers mimic figures of speech that they clearly do not understand, and persists through later childhood when we see our very own facial expressions of frustration or anger staring back at us during disagreements.
Here are some helpful hints on how to take advantage of your captive audience to pass along positive life skills, and tips to help repair some performances that may not have been your best work.In general, try to give up the pressure you may put on yourself to be “perfect.” While it is wonderful for kids to see their parents navigate tough situations with skill and grace, it is almost more important for them to watch how we handle frustration and anger. So, when your blood begins to boil after being cut off on the highway or you start to feel your patience fading fast, take a deep breath and remember that you are center stage. Instead of swallowing your anger or reacting in a way you wouldn’t want repeated, stop and talk your feelings and experiences aloud.
At first your children may find it a bit odd to hear you say, “Mommy is SO MAD because that person is driving carelessly!” or “I just want to give up because I am SO FRUSTRATED!” However, this gives you a great opportunity to ask them for assistance in trouble-shooting your dilemma while allowing you to demonstrate adaptive ways to cope with difficult situations. Run through various reactions and the consequences that go along with them, and be sure to include those that may seem a bit far-fetched. Through this process your children will learn that it is completely normal and common to feel all sorts of things, and that even adults consider some choices that are far from ideal. More importantly, they will see the process that you use to select an appropriate response, and will hopefully adopt it as they try to work through rough patches in their own lives.
Despite our best efforts, there are undoubtedly moments when we become aware of the tiny eyes upon us only after lashing out or reacting in a way that does not call for a repeat performance. Here, instead of making excuses or pretending that it did not happen (both behaviors which historically annoy parents beyond belief), step up to the plate and own your actions. Again, go through what led you to that choice, model genuine remorse, and wrap it up by figuring out how to ensure a better outcome in the future. Making this an interactive process will increase the likelihood that your children will pack this strategy away in their tool box of life skills.
Finally, as you see your children using effective problem solving strategies, be sure to shoot them a smile or point out their good efforts. And don’t be surprised if they begin returning the favor by prompting you to use similar techniques as this is the true hallmark of a lesson well learned.
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Dr. O'Leary is a clinical psychologist who specializes in conducting neurodevelopmental and neuropsychological assessments with children (age 2-adolescence). She also provides cognitive-behavioral therapy for children with various attentional, behavioral, emotional, and developmental struggles. For more information please visit: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/59005 or call (845)313-9049. |
